Where My Mind Might Wander

On Sleep And Death.

2008-06-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

Sleep is nothing but a taste of death. How life prepares us for the passing. It is within itself the very same thing; an extended moment where we leave life to access a different world for awhile before returning in a different time to start all over again. There is something to be said for both moments of slumber. So why do we fear death and crave sleep? When the sun goes down we are rather relieved that we got to rest. Should we too be relieved when the sun sets on out days?

2008-06-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

I don’t think it has quite sunk in that I lived through my first year of high school.
I don’t think I quite understand I had my last class with Zach on Friday.
I lost every chance with him Friday.
I love every piece of him.

I don’t think it has quite sunk in yet that I have 2 months of nothing.
I don’t think I quite understand I’m alone for another year.
I lost every chance at loving again.
I love every piece of him.

I don’t think it has quite sunk in I’ll never be close to them again like that.
I don’t think I quite understand I’m not who I want to be.
I lost every chance at being who I want to be.
I love every piece of him.

Teenage Vent.

2008-03-09T15:31:00.001-07:00

I can't do this any longer.
I can't be in this house, with these people.
These people that make me hate everything.
I can't lie anything longer about any of this.
I'm DEPRESSED.
I can't go on knowing I have no one to depend on but myself.
Don't fucking try to tell me you are there for me when I'm sitting in my room crushed.
Alone.
You said we;d have fun this weekend...
I don't even have my music any more.
It can't reach through this shell.
I need to get out of here.
Stop giving my your shitty comments with your half hearted hugs and nonsense reasoning about why you live in a perfect world.
Stop telling me I can use other peoples lives and thoughts about and be fine.
I'm not fine.
I need help.

I hate this so much.
I can't even REMEMBER what I went through last time.
All I have are shards of thoughts but nothing real.
I just have one icon I made saying "So the world wanted to bring my to my knees, well HERE I AM." and a pattern of cuts.
Then those scars
Those damn scars.

I wish some one could step forward and tell me what I went through, what I was like.
But no one will.
I don't know... I CAN'T REMEMBER IT though.

This is so hard.
Everything hurts.
I can't even bring myself to tell my friends I'm falling apart.
HA you want to know the ironic part?
The one thing I think could save me from this are friends.
A night out to get me away from these people and make me smile...
Or a hug.
Or maybe not backstabbing or being an asshole.
...I just need you to care...

I really don't feel like I can pull myself out of this this time.
Not by myself.
Not like I did last time.
I started popping pills again.
Nothing big, I never did anything big.
Just pain killers.
But they're pretty week.

This started happening around the same time last year, I wonder why.

Help me?

On happiness

2008-03-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

I was just running through some things people wrote, thinking how to apply them to my life.
As I can not seem to find a way to write these thoughts that I myself have.
See, I'm bad with words.
So I begin to think again how they could help me.
The most recent one I look at was on finding happiness.

_{Sometimes I wonder why I'm not happy}_{And then I think...
It's because maybe I don't want to be
Maybe I'm searching for something, something that equals happiness
and until I reach that place, until I find that one thing I am searching for...
I cannot allow myself to enjoy these moments.

If someone always searches for happiness
they will never be happy.

Maybe I should stop here, Mr. Dinosaur.}

I can relate almost precisely to this.
I am rather unhappy, even if I do know how to have a good time.
As I went on thinking, pondering deeply about how to make this happen to me, make someone else’s epiphany apply to my daily life.
It hit me.
Someone else’s epiphany.
Another person had come to terms with this, realizing it on their own.
I need to realize these things myself.
But, you see, I have already realized it through reading their perfect passage.
So I can no longer come to terms with it myself.
As these people are writing their thoughts for others to view,
Their beautiful thoughts I can not word myself

Are they are the same time robbing me of my ability to find them on my own?
Maybe to obtain the point of them I need to see it myself.
I've done it with other things, and it has worked rather smoothly.
So, have I forfeited happiness now?
And am I now being hypocritical by putting this weight on your shoulders?

It just makes you want to start over, doesn’t it?

Introduction owed.

2008-03-08T13:35:00.000-08:00

I guess if we'll be sharing thoughts for the next some odd time amount I should let you know my background story.
God damn I got so much shit to tell you.
But lets start with, everything said inside this blog is completely true. Even if it may seem story book [You're stoned if you think that] maybe I have a story book life?
If teen angst is your type of fairy tail, I guess.

I’m a freshman at the public high school that consists of five or six different small towns. One in school that consisted of 300 kids now crammed in a social misfit of a land with 200 give or take in our grade. Unlike most schools, you have to look a little closer to find the click lines, especially in freshman year when we are all moving around and groupless.
But as the school year inches closer to an end [3 months now. Thank Jebus!] lines become darker and thicker.
Still, when you look at other high school they are holy balls thin.
My gang consists [quick, take notes, these are the main characters.] of Brandon [Ex-man whore, swimmer and all around jock, Who is dating Sarah, sick on the drums] Sarah [Best friend of 10 years, from my school, Brandon’s girlfriend, guitar my friend] Frankie [Came from my school too, my ex-play thing never dated/kissed anything JUST play thing, geek but fit jock] Richard/Dick [Plays bass, I don't know much else about him even though we are tight] Trevor [Fatass. Why the hell is he here? Oh well I love him. He's funny, very very.]
Those are my best friends, I spend almost all of my time with them.

Much do prefer guy friends over girl friends, although you find the girl that can roll with you and your boys. They’re the best.

Most girls all they want to do is talk about their god damn drama, I want nothing to do with that! Maybe a social brawl every now and then. But don’t DROWNED me in it.
But also in the same ranking as us, that hang around and I guess I’m pretty buddy-buddy with some are-->
Lissie, Anouchka, Alison, Brian [?] Luke [?... I don’t know their names] Chelsea, Eric, Will, Ben.
Then outside of that, out 'league' consists of 20 or so more people that don't matter.
Other people you should know about?
Keira, she's my 8th grade friend. year younger then me.
Cara, GREAT friend of mine, but goes to another school.
Madden, same story as Cara.
And... my pets! Cats are Hemlock, Match, and Chai. Then my dog, Lexi.

Oh yeah.
And I guess you'd want to know something about me?
GUITAR.
Single my WHOLE life.
Straight, thank you.
Anything else, you can grab from my front page.
And, because I'd like to keep my real name under wraps [Only because I don’t like it.] I'll go as... Harlequinn?
Yeah, that sounds good.

God this entry is ugly.
I much rather do things a little more poetic.
Oh well, you can see that next time around.

So... I guess this is my
Life
Thoughts
Loves
Hurts
Vents
My... story.
Story of an aspirating rockstar.